Wednesday, August 17, 2011

Trailers and their Clobber-related Results

I like me some movies. You know this. I've seen two movies in the theaters this month, Captain America and Cowboys and Aliens. Both are about as you'd expect:

1) Captain America punches Nazis. (and Hugo Weaving!)
2) Cowboys fight Aliens. (And Olivia Wilde!)

Anyway, one of the best parts of my movie-going experience is the previews. Some people may hate them but I love them. It shows us new movies before they get widespread online and lets us see them in glorious picture and sound.

But it doesn't always work that way, sometimes the movies themselves fall short of what people would call "good." Sometimes they fall short of what people would call "Allowed by the Geneva Convention." And sometimes they fall into the narrow category that I, solely, have been entrusted to:

Each movie trailer will be rated on the "clobberin' scale." 
The Good:

1) "Warrior":

Tom Hardy, Nick Nolte, and Joel Edgerton punch each other. I want to see this one.

"Better Things To Do"

2) "The Help":

Southern Belles and Black maids. Would go if offered.


"A Genteel Clobbre"

The apprehensive/anxious:

1) "Lion King 3D":

Nothing surprising, of course, but darn it if I didn't get shivers everytime I saw it.


"You Betta Watch Yo'self"

2) "Tower Heist":

I like Ben Stiller and I like Eddie Murphy, but recently their performances haven't been received well. Maybe we'll be lucky.

"DIY Clobbering"
The Bad:

1) "Contagion":

Virus? Sure. Good? Maybe not. Only if I didn't have to pay.

"Guess What Time it is"

2) "Battleship":

Really? Like...really. You're doing that. That's real. I think they could just subtitle this "Liam Neeson Hates Himself."



Here it is. The Big Banana. The Hot Burrito. The Suck-tastic Soup.

Watch at your own risk: Gulp


We all do.