Wednesday, July 27, 2011

Insane People

After 60 plus days of constant pain, I have finished the nightmarish torture known as The Insanity Program. It is, purportedly, the toughest DVD workout program in the world (though this is probably no longer true).  Today is the first day since May 23 that I can arrive home from work, and immediately eat food. By the second month it was no longer a question of “will I throw up in my mouth” but “how much.”

I spent a lot of time with the DVDs, so much that I nearly had the phrases the coach used to motivate us and make us laugh.

There were lots of people in the videos doing the exercises along with us, some were rotated in and out, but some were more of a constant. I suspected the requirements for getting the job of “background exerciser” was one-third fitness, one-third acting, and one-third hopelessness.

Regardless, I got to know them and their little pieces of character. So, here are some of them, whether they appeared every time, or on only two of the ten different workouts that I did for 60 days. Each person will be accompanied by a real quote from the workout program.
The Coach
Mr. T

“This is Insanity, and it’s going to kick your butt.”

Big bad Shaun T is here to whip you into shape. If that demands he awkwardly touch your abdomen during an exercise, then deal with it.

Shaun is a fountain of wisdom. “Dig Deeper.” “Work.” “Power.” “Contract the core.” And all that from just one of the workouts. His knowledge of the physical is extensive, and his step-by-step instructions on each exercise will make sure you do it in the correct form.

If, for some reason, you fail to do it in the correct form, Shaun T does not judge. He only asks that you try harder the next time, drink your water, and prepare a batch of P90X “Results and Recovery” formula for daily consumption, and refuel your body.

The Poster Child


That quote may not make sense, but it does once you realize that, unless she is asked a direct question, that is all she says. Her name is Tania, and she is the only person who has her nails done right before a workout. She is at the right-hand of Mr. T, and she is the one that he goes to the most often to check progress. She is in all but one of the DVDs.

My friends and I nicknamed her “Chun-Li…”

…because in the fit test, where you track your progress, she obliterates any kind of record you will ever have in the leg-based exercises. Slowly, we learned to detest her. The pandering, the unneeded enthusiasm, the obvious brown-nosing. But what we really hated the most was, on a few of the exercises, Shaun T will help her with the exercises, by holding her legs in the air or something.

After some research, I found my sentiments echoed on everything from personal blogs to the Beachbody forums itself.

I didn't even have to make this!
The Interesting one

"It feels like s***!"

Her name is Adriana, and she says a total of one sentence for the entire sixty days. And that one sentence is 25% cuss. It comes after Shaun T asks her how it (the exercise feels).

There's that, and then there's the time she spits a wad onto the floor during an exercise.

The Aryan Nightmare

*Quote not found*

Because he never says a thing. That's why. Chris (Black Chris, as we call him, because there is also a White Chris) has tattoos. And if you ever get him angry he will punch your throat all the way through.

But he looks like the kind of guy who will never get angry. He looks like the kind of big black guy who will serve at the soup kitchen and offer to walk girls home and they will say yes because he's like 6' 4" and 250 lbs and the kindest guy alive.

Also, there's this one exercise called Power push-ups. Do a push up. Now jump to your feet by squeezing your abs really fast. Now drop back down and do a push-up. Continue that cycle until you die.

Chris can do these so fast and so well he could probably punch your throat all the way through with his stomach.
The Failure


This is the person put into the exercises to make you feel better about yourself. I honestly don't know if she has a name, but if not The Failure, I would call her Gumby, because her legs and arms turned to jelly at the slightest amount of work.

I think she was in maybe two of the workouts, which is the lowest of any except people that aren't even noticed. She took a lot of breaks and is prominent in the front of the group, which is wierd unless they planned it.


So there they are. There are more, like the Guido, the Geezer, and the Creepy Guy, but this is enough for now.

And if you're interested, Insanity does work. It's incredibly difficult to motivate yourself to do it and a beast on your joints. You lose weight but it isn't designed to give you muscle mass. You should only do it if you are already fit and and want to lose weight. I did lose weight.

Ugh I was so fat

But I also gained muscle, just because of all the exercise I did.